Today, a tragedy took the life of a dear friend. It's unfortunate incidents like this often make us stop dead in our tracks to evaluate the important things in our lives. Regrettably, I had grown apart from this friend as we became adults and went our separate ways. But I have some great memories with her - some devilish, some heart-warming. I won't divulge many details about those memories here, as she and I went to great lengths to disguise our shenanigans from our parents back in the day (or so we thought).
I tend to spend my time finding the humor in life, but today I will reflect on how we chose what is important to focus our emotional energy on and who we let into the most intimate parts of our lives. Also, because mental illness was the driving force behind this tragedy and I have been touched by this disease as a mother and personally, I want to take the time to provide some education on this often stigmatized, misunderstood disease.
Living far from family and most of my friends I often feel like I am alone when in reality, I am connected to so many great friends who are important to me and who I am important to. I find these relationship worthy of my emotional attention because we have weathered many storms together, they have seen me at my worst, and yet our relationship carries on. They are forgiving, choosing to focus on the things I have to offer rather than my misgivings. They bring comfort and humor to my life, often giving me permission to have my quirks, or as one of my friends said to me my "processes." Things like always putting back at least one item from my cart each time I reach the check-out or my relentless need to have photographic evidence of our time together. When someone who reaches out to me, whether it is for help or to check in or just to say hi, I am reminded that I exist in their world. As you may or may not realize about me, I thrive on my usefulness and importance to others. I think it's the reason I have Cupcake, my 2nd cat who I adopted after fostering her through a false-pregnancy (turns out she was just fat). I don't like long-haired cats and didn't necessarily want another cat. The day I picked her up, she wrapped her little paws around my neck and nuzzled into me. I was her protector, I rescued her from a life of neglect. She made me feel important and useful. (Now she could really care less about me because she is no longer scared). At this time in my life, I was toying with the idea of another child for very similar reasons. Cupcake filled this void for me.
I also have family which are more like best friends and best friends that are more like family. I'm not sure how that happens, but I know this to be true for many people. When we pause in life for whatever reason, we often evaluate those relationship which we may be overlooking or forget to tend to. Thankfully, most of these relationships in my life have been the most resilient of plants -- I could not water them for months or years but they grow back to life and are more beautiful each time.
I am also struggling knowing my friend was in great pain, tormented by her emotions. Some will say this is weakness or a cowardly way out, but as a mother who has held her son as he begged to be let out of his own skin and not hurt anymore, I get it. I've felt the this way before, putting my mother through the same pain I felt when holding Nicolas on so many nights. The fear of reaching out for help because of the very real possibility of being shunned or judged complicates the situation ten-fold. When our society recognizes that mental illness is not a choice, a personal failing, a result of any of our own decisions but rather a brain based disease which we did not create, then people may be comfortable seeking treatment in the same way they would for diabetes or cancer. I have been somewhat reluctant to talk publicly about my struggles with mental illness, but I try to be brave to show people that very real, functional people can be touched by this disease. More importantly, I want to show that recovery is possible, leading to an enjoyable life. I had to come out from behind the curtain after watching Nicolas search for answers about why he was ill, often blaming himself for being "worthless" or a "failure." It was my job to set the example for him that this is nothing to be ashamed of.
If you are reading this, I consider you one of the best parts of my life. You give me purpose, bringing joy into my life when I need it most. Please hug your family & friends, tell them that you love them as much as you can. Rethink your perception of mental illness and emotional struggles, if you haven't already aligned yourself with the understanding of this as a brain-based disease. I can provide research and online resources to help you gain an understanding.
Most importantly, thank you for being my friend.
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