Tuesday, May 1, 2012

My Comedic Protege

In honor of Nicolas' 11th birthday this week, I wanted to take a trip down memory lane (or memory freeway as fast as kids grow up).  He has no physical resemblance to me, in fact, my cats look more like me than either of my children.  However, Nicolas was cursed and lucky at the same time, inheriting my personality and quirks.  He's funny when he's not trying to be and overbearing when he's trying to be funny.  He makes others laugh when all he is trying to do is be the best Nicolas he knows how to be, enjoying life.  He has faced many difficult situations in 11 years and he is as resilient as any kid I've ever known.  Some of these less than typical experiences have resulted in the best "Nicolas Stories."  At one point, his adventures had become so amusing I would have people asking me what he had been up to lately just for a good chuckle.  So, here you will find a brief compilation of my favorite "Nicolas Stories."  

Syrup Bath
Starting at a young age, Nicolas had a very curious and creative mind.  There wasn't much he couldn't find a way to work through, around, over or under.  He was the kid who would be out of the crib so fast he could be sitting on the couch waiting for you as you left the room thinking he was in bed for the night.  One morning when he was about 2 years old, we were having a chat with Tanner at the kitchen table over some inappropriate behavior.  All of our attention was on giving our best "you should know better" lecture, which was more for our benefit than his.  We hear a dripping sound coming from around the corner.  I get up to find Nicolas giving the dog a "drink" of syrup and by drink, I mean a head to toe bath in syrup.  He just stood there, smiling as if he was being a kind hearted soul helping the thirsty dog.  It took a good hour to get the dog clean and for us to stop laughing.

The Great Heist 
At about the age of 3 both boys had receiving ceramic piggy banks for Christmas.  Nicolas managed to break his shortly after Christmas, but Tanner's sat safely on his shelf stuffed with his meager savings.  Once again, we hear a commotion.  I walk into the living room to see Nicolas, clad in footie pajamas, running wildly towards his bedroom with a ceramic piggy bank in hand while Tanner chased him.  As Tanner closed in on him, Nicolas decided to "ditch" the evidence by throwing the bank onto the hardwood floor outside of his room.  

The Best Time to Wash Your Hair is In Wal-Mart
As I prepared for an out of town business trip I needed to stop at Wal-Mart for a few hygiene items.  Tanner had just been dropped off at Tae Kwon Do so I had just a few minutes to accomplish this.  Standing in the shampoo isle, I turn my back to Nicolas (about age 3) to make my selections.  He seems to be content moving bottles around on the shelves and I could tell he was still right behind me.  As I turn around, I see him with a head full of bubbles.  His little hands were fully into the scrubbing of his head making an abundance of lather.  I burst into uncontrollable laughter, then realize I have to somehow get him out of the store AND still make my purchase.  Thankfully, he wasn't tall enough yet to be seen above the counter but I was in tears trying to hold in my laughter.  Again, he has no clue that this is anything other than normal (maybe he was onto something back then and is really the mastermind behind People of Walmart).  When I get to the parking lot, I call my mom to tell her story.  I am still experiencing body shaking, belly hurting laughter.  I spring into my story as soon as she answers but she thinks I'm crying and there is a crisis.  It took me a few minutes to calm down enough to get my story out.  I then have to take him into Tae Kwon Do classes (after managing to wipe out most of the obvious evidence).  When we sit down with the other parents, someone says "Something smells really clean."  Um, you don't say!

Please Tell me I'm Adopted
Nicolas has seen his share of doctors and needles in his lifetime.  He pays close attention to what the process is at each visit, often asking lots of questions about what is going to happen next.  We went to a new laboratory one day requiring me to fill out paperwork.  I pull out the insurance card to fill out the forms. Nicolas is glaring at the paperwork and then glances back to the insurance card.  Then the questions start.  "Mom, is that my adoption card?"  Huh.  Odd question, but no.  "Does it say I'm adopted?"  Well, no it doesn't.  "Please tell me I'm adopted."  No sweetie, we didn't adopt you if that's what you are worried about.  "No, if I'm not adopted then that means you have had...you know what."  I'm still engrossed in the paperwork and blindly ask "It means what Nicolas?"  He loudly replies "S-E-X and that's just gross."   I can see this is traumatic for him so I try to relate my own thoughts on parental sex.  I tell him it's okay if it makes him uncomfortable because I am uncomfortable thinking about  my parents having sex.  Wrong.  I have now spiked an emotional overload.  "NANNY AND PAPA HAVE SEX?  OLD PEOPLE SEX?  THAT'S DISGUSTING" he shouts.  Oh Nicolas....

What Sounds Like Meditation but is WILDLY Inappropriate to Do at the Dinner Table
As you may or may not know, kids with mood disorder can have a sexual preoccupation at a much earlier age than their typical peers.  This isn't because I've exposed my kid to endless hours of porn or other weird stuff, it's just something about how the brain is wired.  Songs with the word "sexy" in them make him squirm in his seat until I turn the station.  He's got super sonic radar ears when there is any hint of a sexual conversation going on, even if it's a fact-based conversation.  But somehow he missed the boat on a very important word about the activity of self-pleasure.  As we sit around the table enjoying a nice dinner and conversation, I look over to find Nicolas seated with his legs criss crossed and his palms pressed together in front of him.  His eyes are closed and he is taking deep breaths.  It's odd.  He never sits still.  So I take the bait.  Again, wrong.  His response to my inquiry about what he was doing was "I'm masturbating.  It helps me relax."  My super mature, incredibly serious family-mates (Jason & Tanner) erupt in laughter, prompting Nicolas to open his eyes with a questioning look on his face.  I then explain that masturbating is perhaps not the word he is looking for, but yes, that would help him relax too, just not at the kitchen table please.  

Everyone Wants Armpit Hair Made Out of Cat Fur
Nicolas used to have insomnia.  He would sleepwalk (we once found him peeing in the litter box while a very confused and ticked off cat looked on).  He would often wake for no reason in the middle of the night with some crazy idea in his head that he just had to execute right that second.  One night, round 1:00 a.m. I hear some commotion coming from the hallway.  I see a light on in the hall bathroom so I go to investigate.  Maybe one of the boys are sick I thought.  (Why do I always have such rational thoughts after all this time with Nicolas).  Again, I was wrong.  Instead, I find him stark naked in the bathroom standing in front of the mirror.  He has one arm raised above his head with the other hand firmly pressing into the opposite armpit.  When I was finally able to convince him to move his hand I discovered yet another wonderful Nicolas invention.  Faux armpit hair fashioned out of gum and cat hair.  Ohhh, that makes sense.  Everyone wants a furry cat under their arm.  Now, you may be thinking "where did he get that idea" or "how did he get the cat hair."  Come on people, THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS REASON OR EXPLANATIONS IN THE WORLD OF NICOLAS! (haven't you been following along in this blog!).  I ended up having to use Goo-gone on his armpits to release the gooey concoction.  If you ever need to get something to stick really, really good to skin, ask Nicolas.  He somehow has a special technique to warm the gum in his armpit and then use his fingers to spread it as thin as possible.  Jason's keen observation was we were lucky to have discovered him before he finished the arm pit hair and traveled south on his body.  

These are just a tiny, tiny sample of the great stories we have with Nicolas.  He often says things that are soooo close to what he actually means yet so far off base they crack us up.  His view of the world is just as tilted as mine.  I have no idea what makes his mind tick.  I know his mind works in ways that only famous or infamous people's minds do.  The neatest thing about Nicolas is along with the wonderful approach he has to life, he also has the kindest, biggest heart.  He thinks of others first (most of the time).  He can read emotions like a book.  His teachers often comment that he asks them if they are frustrated way before they even realize they are frustrated.  Hhe responds to other's emotions in very appropriate and considerate ways.  He once asked the teacher if she needed a time out because he was "really annoying her" and he was sorry.  He gives the best hugs and isn't afraid to admit he is a Mama's boy.  I still get a hug every day when I pick him up from school right there in front of his friends.  I've sometimes wondered why Nicolas is sick or is just plain out different than most kids.  I've finally come to realize Nicolas is perfect just the way he is.  If he didn't have humor or have a mind that bends around things differently, he wouldn't have survived what has been thrown at him.  I have learned so much from Nicolas that I could never have learned any other way.  That makes me a better mother, a better person, and a much better social worker.  

Happy 11th birthday my sweet boy!