I love my husband. He's wonderful, very talented, and a great provider. He has a sense of humor that possible outlasts mine and is the ultimate planner. Like everyone, he has a bit of deficit in one area. Empathy, emotional responses and especially, medical know-how. I'm not concerned that he doesn't know how to conduct in-depth therapy or determine if a mole is cancerous. It's the basic, everyone-should-know-this kind of stuff that makes me laugh (and drives me bonkers).
If you are thinking this is a story about husband-bashing you couldn't be more off base. These deficits are the quirky oddities about him that make him who is he and who I love. Just like I don't have money sense and am not a planner AT ALL, two qualities he has mastered, these are areas in which we balance each other.
We often joke (okay, I often joke) that he thinks feelings are the "f" word and therefore, we shouldn't say them, acknowlege them, or even reference them...ever. (Strangely enough, he isn't shy about releasing a barage of the real f-word while dismantling a video game or working on a complicated home project.) But start talking feelings and he gets this uncomfortable, almost fearful look in his eyes that tells me he is about to check out of the conversation. Maybe it's because I tend to leap into full-out therapy mode, analyzing everyone and everything in my path looking for an underlying message in their behavior. Just because he doesn't put the toilet paper roll back on just how I like it (over not under) doesn't mean he is harboring secret feelings of contempt towards me. His typical response to my expression of emotions is "I'm sorry you chose to feel that way." He is being as genuine as he can be with this methodical, pre-programmed response to my emotional-meltdowns but it somehow feels automated and detached. Then I realize, he is analytical and a planner. That does not leave much room for free-flowing interpretation of situations to warrant anything other than his standard, safe response. So, it's not his fault nor an attempt to disregard my feelings. It's simply how his mind works.
Now, what does this have to do with medical know-how? Just last night I rammed my toes into the corner of the couch leaving me with throbbing pain that would not subside. After about 30 minutes (okay, maybe 10) I am in tears and certain something is broken. Things are swelling and bruising and throbbing and sending signals to my brain that something isn't right. I manage to hobble down one flight of stairs and to the top of the basement stairs where he is involved in an intense battle via XBox live. When I finally manage to get his attention, I whine that I think something is broken. His response? "There is some demoral in the cabinet. Maybe that will help." Oh thank goodness. That makes me feel comforted and really important. No need to spring into "my wife may need me for emotional support" mode, but a calculated, solution focused reponse. The same type of way he would have responded if I said the toilet was clogged. Problem + solution = no more problem. I shouldn't have been surprised. Over the last ten years, he has never strayed from this approach to any type of situation. He is predictable and that makes me feel safe.
When the tables are turned though, he turns into someone entirely different. Every year, and I mean EVERY year, he gets a cold/sinus congestion/something that yields basic symptoms. He comes to me with the came complaint. I don't feel good. I respond with "how do you feel" and get a basic list of symptoms. Congestion, aches, sore throat, drainage, etc. My next quesiton is always the same -- have you taken anything for it? His response, after 10 freakin' years is also the same. "I didn't know what to take." Now, I know he doesn't have a long history of medical care. He didn't get sick much as a child, was only injured a handful of times and each time, didn't get medical care. It was always a "tough it out and it will get better" approach. But after a few years of this same dialogue, I finally made a special container in our medicine cabinet labled "HEY JASON - COLD & SINUS MEDICINE. THIS IS WHAT YOU TAKE." Who knows if this approach will work as I just implemented it a few weeks ago. Why hadn't I thought of this sooner?
All of these cooky things about him are perhaps odd to me because I ooze emotions. I leak emotions all over my life, often thinking this is normal (ha. Nothing about me is normal!). People who aren't open and forthcoming with emotions or who do not have an emotion laden reaction to what I think are emotionally important situations are somehow stiffled and in denial in my world. Then I realize, if he were a highly emotional person we would be a hot mess. My emotions often leave me with the inability to make a decision, even about simple things. He not only makes decisions, he is confident in his decisions. He is meticulous in his planning, resulting in us accomplishing things I would never dream possible (erasing a mountain of my debt in 4 short years and landing us into a home nicer than I could ever imagine for our family). Our vacations are jam-packed with day-to-day activities, including a list of must-dos and places we must-eat. I've never been disappointed with our vacations and he gets all of the credit for that. Even though he doesn't say the "f" work (feelings) he shows it through his planning, he thoughtful actions that brought us to where we are today. But I sure would have appreciated an appearance at the top of the stairs last night to carry me to couch while I whined and complained of my "it needs to be amputated right now" foot. He would have appreciated if I had planned ahead and wore shoes in the house.
