Saturday, May 11, 2013

Unnatural Instincts: My Journey Through Motherhood

Sunday I will celebrate my 16th full year as a mother.  My life plans never once included being a mother to anything, not even imaginary children.  I couldn't magine taking that path in life.  I never wanted children and to this day, I don’t particularly like children (Tanner and Nicolas are people now, not children, so they are A-OK).    A yet-to be-fully developed teenage brain was more than happy to assist me in taking a journey I did not think I wanted to take (Don’t believe me about the brain?  Read this…. http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=124119468).
When I found out I was pregnant, lots of things ran through my head, some realistic but mostly they were panicked because I had no idea what to do nor did I want to do this thing called motherhood.  With the support of my mom (who was shocked at the news but exclaimed “I GET TO BE A GRANDMA!) I set about my journey.  Somehow I managed to figure enough out about being a mom that I picked up a second job while going to school full time so I could prepare for this future I hadn’t imagined.  I stashed away a couple thousand dollars during those 9 months but I had no idea what I really needed the money for or how far that money would go.  I just knew I needed it.  By the time Tanner arrived, I hadn’t figured out much more than I needed money to care for a baby. 
After several hours of “stuff” (I guess it was labor but it was really just a bunch of sitting and waiting post-epidural before a baby popped out) I held this red-eyed baby with an odd, coned shaped head briefly before passing him off to the Grandmas in the room.  Then, I did what every attentive new mother does – passed out cold until the next morning.   In retrospect, I have no idea who changed his diapers or fed him until he was about 18 hours old.  Ok, so I KNOW the woman now famously known as Nanny did it but never realized that I should be worried about feeding or changing my baby.   This lack of natural maternal instinct followed me home and hung around for several months. (It still makes an appearance on occasion, like when a baseball is flying through the stands at a crowded baseball game and instead of protecting my own offspring, I duck allowing it to knock one of them in the head).    On day 3 of being home from the hospital, I wake to care for a screaming Tanner.  I am eventually in tears right along with him.  Whatever hocus pocus I did to try to sooth him didn’t work.  I called the hospital, I swaddled him in a warm blanket, I paced, I did everything…at least I thought.  Famous Nan wakes up to help.  Her first question – when was the last time you fed him?  WHAT?  Fed him?  He didn’t tell me he was hungry!   To say motherhood did not come natural to me is an understatement. 
Five years later I made the decision to add to my motherhood resume.  I figured Tanner was still alive, I hadn’t killed him and he seemed reasonably well-adapted so I must be okay as a mom.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.   A myriad of social conditions in my life made the pregnancy an emotional hurricane.  Combine that with a brewing pot of mental illness and you have disaster.   By Mother’s Day 2001, I was a single mother again with a newborn AND a 5 year old.  I couldn’t find happiness even in full sunlight because of my life circumstances.  That Mother’s Day I woke for an early morning feeding with Nicolas.  As I am rocking him, Tanner tip –toes out of his bed to join us in the chair.  I sat there for over an hour holding both of my boys and watching them sleep.  It was magical.  My heart was full for the first time in a very long while all because I was a mother to these two amazing creatures.  All because I was on this life-path I never wanted to take. 
I was technically still a teenager when Tanner was born.  I was 19 at his birth and would turn 20 about 5 months later.  But emotionally, I was a teen mom for several years because I just wasn't emotionally mature enough to be a mom.  The worst part about being a teen mom is what you miss.  As a teen mom, you worry about missing time with your friends, parties and freedom to spend your money on yourself.  As a teen mom who is now chasing down 40, I am saddened about the things I missed with Tanner.  His first steps, sending him off to kindergarten and the list go on and on. In a nutshell, I didn’t have my focus fully dialed in to him to enjoy every.single.moment as his mother.  He missed out on a lot too by having a mom who wasn’t fully together until he was at least 10.  The only regret I have about bringing him into this world as early as I did is that he was cheated out of the best mom he deserved.  He had to rely other adults in his life and himself to grow up while I still figured it out myself.  Now that I think I have myself together, I have fallen in love with Tanner (and Nicolas) a hundred times over.  I know I’m the over involved mom, the quick-to-cry mom, the mom who just can’t quit obsessing about her children.  I also know I’m the mom who will be choking back tears of joy as she sends her unbelievably handsome little boy to Prom this weekend because he just grown up too darn fast.  For whatever emotional connection to motherhood I missed in the early years, it has come to me ten-fold now.  
The boys have grown too quickly, as all mother’s know.  As Tanner approaches college and Nicolas enters a stage of relative good health (and less dependence on me for his care) my role as a mother is changing.  As steadfast as I was about not wanting to be a mother, I’m as determined as ever that I want to be a mother forever.  I know my role in the boys’ lives is changing.  I’ve never been an adult without being a mother actively caring for my children.  To say it hasn’t been a struggle is a lie.  I have no idea who I am without the boys nor do I care to find out.  But guess what….it’s going to happen.  They are going to leave on their own journeys because that’s how I raised them and I am going to learn how to play a different role in motherhood even thought I can’t imagine it.  Remember the last time I couldn’t imagine taking a path in my life?  Let’s hope this next adventure turns out to be as enjoyable too. 
Happy Mother’s Day to the strong, nurturing woman in my life who made me the mother I am today.  Thank you! 

PS – Kids, if you are reading this, I would really like a new kitten to love and snuggle with since you are both outgrowing that stage.