An Idiot Abroad - My Bucket List

One of my new favorite shows is "An Idiot Abroad,'' starring Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant who send  their friend, the close-minded and simple Karl Pilkington, on outlandish adventures that are commonly found on bucket lists.  Sounds enjoyable, right?  Except Gervais and Merchant always add a twist, producing more anxiety in their already laced-up-tighter-than a corset friend.  Swim with dolphins?  Great. But change that to swim with sharks and Karl nearly dies of a panic attack.  Visit a group of natives on an island?  Interesting.  Be named the God of the natives and made to dress in traditional attire that includes a hallow stick as your penile covering while they dance around and worship you? Slightly uncomfortable.  Or as Karl continues to remind them while trying to negotiate his way out of this, "My parents are going to be watching!  I can't do this to them!"  Part of my amusement with this show is Karl's unwavering hesitation about the adventure his pals have planned for him.  He hem-haws around, making absurd "what if" circumstances seem very real and then goes through with the activity with much trepidation.  I almost feel voyeuristic watching as Karl nearly has an emotional break down every episode while Gervais and Merchant howl in laughter each time they phone in with more details of the adventure.

I have also been an idiot abroad once.  Not in the sense that someone else planned my adventures and I blindly followed.  In 2009, I had the amazing opportunity to visit Germany with the IU School of Social Work for a conference on civic engagement and social learning.  I have never left the country, never really traveled on my own.  Before I decided to go on the trip, I had this burning question I had to get answered -- how is the food?  Now you all know I'm a big girl and I eat like a big girl.  But I'm a big MIDWESTERN girl and don't venture too far off the beaten menu path.  I had to know if I would be able to emotionally eat my way through home sickness and other unfamiliar feelings while half-way across the world.  Once that was settled, I readily jumped into this adventure feet first.  I think I did fairly well overall, but there were a few set backs.  For example, when stepping off the plane in Germany I had no Earthly idea how to 1) buy a train ticket 2) read the sign to buy a train ticket 3) exchange money to have the proper currency to buy a train ticket or 4) know the right language to ask someone how to buy a train ticket.  Me and a few classmates wandered throughout the airport thinking we could figure this out, but the sight of security with HUGE rifles threw us off our game (not to mention jet lag).  And all I could think about was my dire need for a Diet Coke - it consumed my mind.  Good thing I had planned ahead for this trip, right?  Because everyone speaks English and is enamored with American travelers.  Another faux pas was also because of my lack of German speaking/reading skills.  My roommate & I were super excited to find an Aldi's grocery store on one of our ventures into the small town.  The store was closing soon.  We made our rush through the store grabbing candy, chips, and liquor for our evening's festivities.  We return to the hotel, pleased with our goods.  Except we have no idea what the bottle of orange, thick liquid is we bought.  We assumed some type of fruit drink mix for daiquiris or margaritas, but just aren't sure.  We traipse down to the friendly wait staff we befriended earlier in the week with our bottle.  He bursts into laughter and asks us why we bought egg nog.  Egg nog?  Really.  Well, really.  We should have noticed the picture of the chicken and egg prominently placed on the label but we didn't.  Germany was perhaps once of the most growth-filled trips of my life.  I came back looking at things differently and appreciating differences in people and situations like I never had. 

I long for more adventures like Germany, but I don't want to leave my bucket list in the hands of twisted, evil friends who like to watch me suffer.  So, here is my bucket list.  It is sure to evolve as I do, but just in case my end is near, I figured I better get something on paper and leave nothing in the hands of others.

1. Live & work in a European country for a brief time.  I feel more educated and sophisticated in a scarf and messenger bag slung over my shoulder while walking on cobblestone streets.  Europe is just the place to do this.  Jason refuses to add this to his list, so we may have to do a lot of Skyping. 
2. Meet my grandchildren (but not too soon!).  I don't want to die without watching my children become parents, if they so chose.  I'm sure I will enjoy the grandchildren, but I will be in awe watching my boys learn to become fathers.  They have certainly had an amazing example of what it means to be a father through Jason, who chose them as his children.
3. Major social events - Super Bowl, NYE in Times Square are two of my ideas, but I'm still thinking there may be others to add to this list.
4. Fearlessly be myself - I should be able to do this now, right?  I'm not there, but I'm growing towards it each day.  One day I will officially have the "I love myself and don't care if you do" attitude and REALLY mean it.  
5. Renew our wedding vows.  I'm thinking something classy, like Vegas (jk).  I guess anything would be classy compared to our first circus wedding. 
6. Be famous.  I have this little girl dream to be famous, perhaps a musician or performer. I really dig the idea of being idolized and adored by masses of fans (footnote -- see #4 for an explanation why).  
7. Road trip with my family.  This one will actually happen this summer as we travel to Buffalo, NY; NYC; Boston; and Jersey Shore.  But this can't be the last!  I have visions of extended family road trips with my children and their families, with cousins and friends.  I can never be surrounded by enough of the people I love.
8. Take a cooking class.  I once made a chicken-pot-pie so awful my kids think chicken-pot-pie is a dirty word now.  I'm pretty good at heating things up though.
9. Let go of past mistakes.  So what if I had that unfortunate accident in the pool at age 8 (for the record, there is no documentation of this event so you can't really prove it was ME who left what was mistaken for a penny on the bottom of the pool floor) or if I stuck my foot in my mouth on more than one occasion. 
10. Write a book.  No surprise here - I love to talk. And write.  This perhaps ties in with #6 because if only I can turn my words and thoughts into something amazing, I will become semi-famous. Ohhh, I could sign copies of my book with some unreadable signature.  
11. Botox.  Either my mirror was swapped with a fun house mirror or I am getting wrinkles in undesirably places (note - all wrinkles are undesirable unless you are a Sharpei dog.  I mean, we use a hot iron to get wrinkles out of fabric so obviously they are ugly).  I would also go for a tummy tuck, nose job, and boob lift.  Boob lift first because I don't need a built in hiding place for pencils or lipstick on my chest.  
12. Become BFFs with Donnie Wahlberg and Peyton Manning (come on, did you think we would get out of this list without the mention of Donnie or Peyton?).  Better yet - I would get both Peyton and Donnie together so they can both tell me how awesome I am only for them both to realize they are rivals.  Donnie proclaims his love for all things Patriots/Tom Brady, while Peyton defends my honor as a Colts fan (or a Cardinals fan.  or a Dolphins fan.  Or maybe I'm crying now, so what?).  

So there you have it.  My bucket list.  Nothing exotic or crazy.  Nothing terribly exciting either.  I'm sure I could make the list go on and on because I'm just not ready to quit living.  Good thing I wear a seat belt and sunscreen, right?